stop it, tom cruise!

It was a fluke. I wandered into a vacant, public love den, its occupants completely unaware of my existence. I presumed them to be children, intoxicated by the colorful protective gear and enchanted by the sugar. I walked into this area around eight in the morning; surrounded by screaming children on their way to work camps or factories, parents dragging them by one limp arm so that they might get to their cardio barre class in time to flirt with Brad before Elizabeth appropriated all of his free time. Fucking Elizabeth.

But then, yesterday evening, I saw this:



I was about five miles from the original condom spotting and there were no Twinkie wrappers or loose Skittles. Then it hit me... I was being followed.

I am being stalked by a masturbatory germaphobe who relishes primary colors. That morning in the park? I'm usually there by seven, but was running late. There's a 7-11 a few blocks away and, with the constant loss of fluids, he might have been getting light headed and needed the sugar rush to keep him going. I'm rarely late for my evening walks, which explains the absence of excess packaging.

Does he hide, naked in the shrubbery, or does he protect his manhood underneath his breathable clothing, passing as a health conscience chi walker? Do I say hello as we cross paths or does he never get close enough to appreciate the fact that my poop bags are scented, daring you to find the baby covered in powder somewhere on my person?

If I weren't so creeped out, I might appreciate his active imagination.

4:12 PM

need it/hate it

I've been using Facebook to network animals and rescues, which works amazingly well. That said, I truly hate Facebook. Why do people need to "check in" at Ikea? Why do I need to know you're eating at Chili's? Maybe it's helpful to know that others shouldn't bother taking you anywhere nice, but do you think broadcasting your horrible taste is newsworthy? Do you picture us breathless, waiting to see where you land next? Will you be checking into a doctor's office to ask about those bumps? (They're not ingrown hairs.) I can't wait! It seems even more narcissistic than Twitter to check in while you're shopping at Target, getting your hair cut, picking up the kids from soccer or getting your lady parts waxed. This website may be related, in some twisted way, to the drive behind all that, but it's hardly me telling you I'm at Walmart. (I was there yesterday to pick up a prescription. Waited in line for 4 minutes. Made small talk to the cashier. She was dull. Picked up lotion on my way out.)

I guess it's apparent that this is week 3 of my never ending period. I hate everything, except for sugar-free Red Bull. And cheese. And egg whites. Not together.

8:54 AM

some like the world to know just how wonderful they are

They want you to know how many orphans they've subscribed to O Magazine or how many octogenarians they've helped off skateboards. Me? I want to share the dirty truth. I want you to know my ugly side. I want you to be able to understand when, one day, a female friend tells you that she's been having a period for three weeks. I want you to know that, today, I beat up my printer.

Yes, I punched my HP LaserJet for a good fifteen seconds and it felt like heaven. That piece of sh&t has been begging for it for months, so today I caved and thoroughly whooped its ass.

F*ck you, you huge piece of prehistoric crap.

3:01 PM

wow

Nerve. This takes real nerve.
And ignorance, but those two traits usually come hand in hand.

This is a great response to the above article.

2:44 PM

spooky

Things in Pakistan can be scary (and I'm not talking about your run of the mill scary).

1:59 PM

the downside of tanning easily

5:52 PM

new daily must watch - repeat as needed

Mikala Bierma

4:56 PM

truth in advertising

I was thinking about getting one of these signs for my back gate:



TLM is so stealth, it'll look clear, but he'll be on your ass in a second and then it's too late. Not that I hate the thought of that, as you shouldn't be in my backyard anyhow, but I'm not trying to kill people and a warning only seems fair.

Inside, it's a different story:



No respect for the 9-5.

3:45 PM

op

I've always had allergies and, eventually, asthma due to allergies. The asthma isn't an issue, as it only pops up every few years when my allergies are on a tear. A friend of mine has been telling me to oil pull for years, but she's not a born sales person.

"All you do is put some oil in your mouth and swish it around for 15-20 minutes. If you've ever given a blow job, you can oil pull. And the oil you don't even swallow."

I never tried it, as fun as that may sound, until she brought it up again recently. About 4 weeks ago, I thought I had bronchitis. It wasn't that, but the cough was terrible and breathing was a chore. It started to go away and then came back with a vengeance, so they put me on steroids and gave me some crazy steroid inhaler. My lungs got all aggro on the roids and I was feeling 90% the next day. I looked up oil pulling on the internet and, as not one site compared it to swishing a load around in your mouth for 20 minutes, decided to try it for myself.

I'm using the (organic) sunflower oil, only because it was what I saw first. I take a tablespoon into my mouth before getting into the shower, swish it around for a while, dry off, still swishing, until I hit 15 minutes. You can feel the oil thinning as time goes by, but the first time you spit it out (I highly suggest using the toilet for this, as it is oil) it's a little shocking. Not only is it as thin as water, it's snow white. It's whiter than the toilet bowl even the day after the cleaning lady left (if I had a cleaning lady, but I'm trying to impart that my toilet is not dirty, the oil is just that white).

I find it to be amazing.

I've been doing it for a little over 2 weeks now and can already feel a difference. The winds kicked up last week and my allergies didn't react. Today, it's windy and dry as a bone, but still nothing. My teeth actually feel cleaner and a little whiter, which seems weird to say after swishing oil. I remember this big whore in college and her teeth were super white. Anyhow, I've read the reviews online in which people say it helps nothing and changes none of their problems, but I couldn't find any unhealthy drawbacks, so I went ahead and tried it. For me, it's been great. It's really impacted my allergies in such a short time, I can't wait to see how much better this gets. And even if it doesn't get any better than this, this is better than where I started.

Oh, another reason to try it? Apparently, it's good for your vagina and your ovaries and the tubes and other such things you hide up in there.

1:15 PM

cross fit?

9:38 AM

things you find in parks while walking dogs

TLM has a favorite spot in which to handle his "business." It would seem that two people, rolling around in the leftover bits attached to the urine soaked grass, enjoyed a romantic evening at the base of his favorite tree (there must have been scented candles or they would've moved).

Was the theme bright colors or fourteen-year-olds?

(The condom was red, but I've spared you that picture.)

2:11 PM

keeping the cat alive

Three-Legged Monster's trainer told me to install a security gate- like one you'd see on someone's back door (if they lived in a really nice neighborhood)- in my hallway. The idea is that TLM should get used to seeing the cat, but should not be able to kill him and, eventually, we were going to start muzzle training with them in the same room. Desensitizing the dog over time was the plan, only he moved at a much quicker pace than expected. Well, quicker than my desire to install an ugly security door within my home. He doesn't care about the cat's noises anymore, but will still lunge at him when he's peeping through the window. If I have to keep him out of the windows facing the yard, what's the point of some crazy ass steel door making my house purposefully ugly? I bought this, instead:



With the extension, it's about four feet tall. Yes, the cat can jump it, but it's more for when I'm not home and the cat is safely behind a closed door. When I'm home, he just lays around on my bed and acts exhausted from all of the cat-like duties he's accomplished while I've been gone (doing nothing). When the pets are alone at home, the gate allows the dog to have the living room and access to the yard, without being able to reach the door behind which the cat is achieving all of his greatness. Why would I need a gate to protect a closed door?



First things first: do you see all of the parts & pieces? There are at least ten. I was amazed that I installed this (mounted) gate all by myself in about thirty minutes with no extra holes in the wall or mysterious extra pieces. I even used a drill! (Next, I'll be voting & getting equal pay for equal work. OK, maybe just voting.)

Take a look at the bottom of the door:



The cat doesn't like to be left out of conversations, even if they're only between one person and French instructions. He is forever throwing his paws out in some weird attempt to get your attention and I didn't want that to work on TLM. A dog with three legs is one thing, but a cat with only two back legs is another. This gate is great because of the locking mechanism- it's not a push through gate like most (what's the point of a mounted gate if the dog only has to push it open?) and required actual thumbs to lift and unhook.

The cat lives to see another day...

4:56 PM

do you mind if it curves to the left?

5:44 PM

wow

I suck at this.

4:54 PM

no, it's not that

I have no problem with them- my daughter even knows one and I heard there's a family living by Whole Foods, which is more of a commercial area so that's different. I think it's fine that they're in the neighborhood and, yes, I was aware of them being around when we purchased our home, but I don't think they should live next door. I mean, I have no problem with them, but they really shouldn't live on my street.



You know, when the city traps them, they kill them. Just saying.

11:23 AM

i know i ask a lot, but...

Can you help out this dog with just a $5 donation?

7:13 AM

oh, right

I was just walking TLM to the park when we came across something curled up on the sidewalk. It was dark and I couldn't even tell what it was at first, except that TLM was whining and that meant it was some sort of small animal or a biscuit. I pulled him back and that's when I saw a baby opposum laid out on the cement. It didn't look like roadkill- its insides weren't nestled next to it like a devoted spouse- but it looked like the good times were behind it. We walked into the street and went on our way. One poop later, we walked back and I decided to take the street past the body, only there was no body. That crazy thing wasn't dead, it was playing opposum. Yes, we were just outsmarted by a baby marsupial.

12:54 AM

no fear & self-loathing

I was speaking with a student who is leaving for Spain (semester abroad) and had only one piece of advice for her: use condoms. You know how it is- you don't want to get a foreign strain of the cootie only to find that US doctors have no idea why its shriveled up or exploded and no longer seeing customers. Although, I'm sure herpes is universal, so there's always that. Yes, herpes is my go-to disease. I love to say "herpes," because it sounds perky and playful as well as prickly and pustular all at the same time. Herpes!

I like to remind them that no sex is worth risking your life over, especially teenage sex, which we all know to be like a bad movie trailer.

Her: I have a boyfriend and we're monogamous. I don't plan on seeing anyone while I'm gone, so I don't have to worry about condoms.

Me: Well, study abroad does strange things to people so just keep that condom idea in your back pocket. You weren't a virgin before him and he probably wasn't one either, right? You should really use condoms with your boyfriend.

H: I'm on the pill.

M: I'm not talking about getting pregnant, I'm talking about your stuff blowing up.

H: He only had sex with one girl before me and she was white, so I'm sure he's fine.

The girl I was speaking with is bi-racial (like a black and white cookie, only bitter) and I've never heard anyone, of any color, say anything remotely like that as long as I've walked this earth. Seriously? She was white? I can be reasonably sure that I was just speaking with the girl who will be forever known as patient zero on her college campus.

11:45 AM

that fast

4:17 PM

so, yeah

The three-legged monster turns out to be a barker. Not a barker as in yapyapyap or barkbarkbark, but more like WOOOOOF or, sometimes, WOOOOF WOOOOOOF. There are two neighbors, one next door and one behind, who "have" cats (that have never seen the inside of their homes). One likes to walk the back fence, which is high enough that- in theory- he won't get mauled. The other likes to play with TLM by scratching at the shared fence or just laying against it and breathing. Both activities solicit a resounding WOOOOF and a jump to the middle of the yard. TLM will stand at attention, dead center of everything, and survey his property. If the cats dare to move, they receive one more WOOOOF, which usually drives them to greener pastures. I don't find this really annoying, as it happens maybe once a day or once every other day.

The neighbor behind me found it annoying.

I settled on a citronella spray collar, because a shock seemed too mean and the bark box was set off by ladybugs walking across a bed of rose pedals. All it took was one spray to the face and he hasn't barked since. At this point, I just have him wear it while I'm gone and that's good enough- I don't even need to switch the spray to "on."

This is nice for my neighbor, but bad for paparazzi and robbers. You can now enter my yard and think you're alone until your thigh is missing and you're shaking a bloody stump in the air. I never gave it much thought until two real estate agents were ballsy enough to walk onto my property while getting comps for a new listing in the neighborhood. I don't feel bad about it, because they were idiots, and at least I can be pretty sure they won't be back. What's left of them, anyhow.

5:15 PM

eating from your own garden (that's not a sexual reference)

This is all new to me. Yes, I've grown tomatoes before (which is something every twenty-something tries in their first yard), but they came so fast and took over so much of the garden, I threw up my hands and let the birds (I'll continue thinking birds no matter what you say) eat them and eventually ripped the crazy thing out of the ground. This time it's different. I have tomatoes, but they're kind of in the Guantanamo area of the garden and I have much more!

The Japanese cucumbers started out as nothing but three or four leaves in a 2" pot. I think they were something like 99 cents or $1.99, but I'm sure they were less a pack of cigarettes. This was taken a couple of weeks after they hit the dirt:



This is from yesterday, about a month and a half after planting:



The cukes started taking over the yard and not in a shy, who me, Asian-y short of way. They were blatant and English about it- sending out feelers and appropriating the marigold planter box five feet away. Just when I considered ripping them out by the root and trying something like cauliflower, I found three cucumbers hidden under the leaves. I don't know how I managed to miss three rather large cukes the day before, but there they were. It's the only reason that domineering plant is still alive, even though it's now monitored much more closely and restricted to a trellis. Averaging one cucumber per day, it's worth the hostility.



The Japanese eggplant. Oh, the eggplant; it's my favorite and the best looking plant in the garden. It's popping one out every day and it grows in a civilized manner- win win. Up until now, I've been grilling them or frying them (only for a minute) in a thin layer of olive oil and that's enough for the moment. So good. So so sooooooo good. I know there's one that'll be ready when I get home tonight and it's all I can think about.

Sad, yes, but do you know what's sadder? There's a big group of kids who meet in the park over the weekend. They dress up in cardboard outfits (shields, hats, swords) and yell things like "I DECREE YOU A DEAD MAN!" and "YOU TOAD FACE! YOU CHEATED! YOU CAN'T KILL A WIZARD WITH A PARTHAGONIAN SPELL!" Last week, a new guy showed up with a cardboard rice hat and a sword made out of Rice Krispies boxes- I'm guessing he loves a theme. Years ago I would've laughed and wondered if they'd ever had a girlfriend (the kids range anywhere from 15-30yo), but now I look at them and think that their parents are extremely lucky. Those kids will probably never meet anyone who can introduce them to drugs and they certainly won't be telling you they got someone pregnant.

2:43 PM

if they want to live an honest life, they should start with the title

Watching Celebrity Rehab and thinking I'm one bad mattress away from being Bai Ling.

7:50 PM

hothothot

The summer is getting away from me. Quick recap:

My little cuddle bug, Alex, was adopted.



After I took him to his new home, he spent the first day trying to get out of the house and barking. He stopped barking the next day, but the adopters said he was still looking for me and wouldn't leave the front door for three days. It was all I could do not to go back and get him, but was glad the new family was sticking it out and being patient. He totally forgot who I was by day six, the bastard, and they couldn't be happier with him in their family.

This meant I could foster the three-legged monster.



My cat was best buddies with Alex, but TLM wants nothing more than to maul him and taste his juicy organs. I've had to completely separate the house, even keeping the cat away from any windows facing the backyard. He's so curious, he jumped into the sill to see what kind of dog activities were happening behind his back, which made TLM lunge for the window. He's not worried about breaking through the glass and having facial scars- have you looked at his ears? I should say, have you seen what's left of his ears? Thankfully, he was slowed down by the three huge pots between him and the cat, so only the clay suffered an untimely death before I was able to grab his collar. I think the death toll is in the neighborhood of $300 and it's only been 10 days.

All killing aside, he's an amazing dog; sweet, obedient and wants nothing more than to please me. I knew his prey drive was enormous, so I'd been prepping the cat with daily drills: climbing past the 6' mark in less than a second, wind sprints and the art of the decoy. So far, so good. TLM's trainer wants me to install a security screen inside my house. All of the meowing and smells and noise from the cat is kicking up TLM's prey drive even more. When he's crated and I hold the cat near him, he's fine. He doesn't bark, doesn't lunge and basically the cat doesn't hold his attention. It's the not seeing him- but knowing he's there- that's getting to him. Oh, and the running. He can't stand a p*ssy and will rip you apart of you try to bail. The security screen will allow them to get used to the idea of each other without allowing one to die. I guess they make custom dog screens that have metal (is it metal?) close enough that, even if they managed to rip the screen, they couldn't get their nose in deep enough to do any damage. Whatever it's made of, I'm sure it's going to make my house very classy.

1:57 PM

it shouldn't be illegal to text when you can send 16 before touching the gas

I had to drive from Newport Beach to Orange and I was told the fastest way to get there was the 55 Freeway. I mapped out surface streets, but it looked like that would take four times as long, so I left around 3:00pm to beat traffic.



It turns out that you can't beat traffic on the 55 if you think 3:00pm is early. Isn't it? I really want to know when this was shot:



It took me over an hour to get to Katella. Katella! All of those people who think it's so cheap to live in the IE- where you can get a 5 bedroom house for the same price as a 2 bedroom condo in Orange County- do you factor in the gas, time and auto repairs? How can you enjoy your big house in the middle of nowhere when you're always stuck on the freeway?

This is more like it:

1:37 PM

pic happy

I was looking for an app that would keep track of how many miles I walked at any given time, which is how I found this:



It's perfect! You simply hit "start" to record a walk or run and it tracks you on a map (while sending your location, DOB and inseam to the marketing departments of every company imaginable, I'm sure); it records distance, pace, duration, calories burned (based on info you supply) and route.

I am such a simple girl, the app keeps me amused, as well. This is my walk with the three-legged monster:



He has some spinal issues, due to the hopping and pressure of supporting sixty pounds of muscle on three legs, so his walks are limited in distance. We go to this little park and he rolls around on his back, sweeping the grass in a sideways snow angel sort of way. I think I started recording at my car and ended at his run, inside the kennel, but it's zooming in on the park that makes me laugh. I said I was a simple girl.

12:15 PM

who would've thought?

I might be bitchy, but I've not mastered the art of saying "no." Proof:



I don't really understand the draw of Coto, unless you're hiding out from the po po or ducking an ex. If I wanted horse property, I'd choose Nellie Gail a million times over, because it wouldn't take 90 minutes to go anywhere normal and the average temperature isn't 210°. Anyhow, I had to go out there to help the dogs, so I went. It was amazing that, miles & miles from anything interesting, I still had cell service.

If I can drive to the land of endless strip malls, golf courses & bad reality TV, can you at least vote?

America's Favorite Animal Shelter Contest

1:12 PM

the human body is approx. 60% water

My fridge is only following suit:



I'm not much of a chef. I can throw together some pasta or make a sandwich, but a typical day has me washing one cooking utensil.

I have some ice cubes and Trader Joe's soy ice cream sandwiches in the freezer (OK, OK- and some vodka), as well as a bunch of fruit and vegetables on the counter.


That's about it. I need to learn how to shop like a grownup. I get so distracted by the beverages, my basket is too heavy and I don't want to walk around the store carrying a twenty pound plastic baby that might snap at any minute. I get my fruit & veg at Growers Direct- the hard part there is remembering I'm only one person and fruit & veg spoil faster than I can finish eating them.

Anyhow, if today is the day you feel like starting a new trend and helping out a great organization without standing up or even blinking more than 200 times, please vote for this rescue group:

America's Favorite Animal Shelter Contest

The top shelter (or rescue) wins $15,000 and there is a random drawing every week for $500. Let today be the day that you were so disgusted by my fridge, you e-mailed the above link to fifty friends and they e-mailed it to fifty friends and, before you knew it, I don't know... you had 150 new friends.

1:56 PM

the tour continues...

Now that I'm back on a dog schedule, I'm walking the streets at sunrise. Only I'm not wearing what I wore the night before, you big tramp. This is Dog's favorite place to poop:



I'm not a fan of desert landscapes. Yes, yes, they conserve water and little blind babies will live longer, more hydrated lives because of them, but they are usually sooo ugly. I find this the exception:



It's great when the morning breeze washes over the grass; all 100 clumps of it swaying in unison.

2:52 PM

yikes

It's June already? I can't begin to write about everything that's been going on lately, so let me give you a little tour of the neighborhood, instead.

This is the cat who patrols the corner. He don't play:



I loved the yard, because I knew I could make something out of it's rickety bones. The previous owners had dogs, which was evident by the grass and dried poop balls they left behind. Also, one out of every five raggedy plants was clinging to life:



This is an after shot, with major thanks to my new neighbor and Miracle Grow:



There's even a small vegetable/fruit garden/isle, which currently features Japanese cucumbers, eggplants, campari & grape tomatoes, ice cream bananas and blueberries:



These neighbors must've pissed off someone with a Costco card:



My foster dog has four dog beds, but this is usually how you'll find him:



OK, back to work.

2:18 PM

fo sho

I was walking a dog down the street when someone pulled their 1970s Rabbit up and over the curb and onto their front lawn:



An old man got out and starting unloading groceries from his trunk. He waved at me and shouted, "IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING, STAY OFF THE SIDEWALK!"

12:11 PM