The weather is always best when you're sick.

Are you having a good weekend? I am awake and it's only 3:45 in the afternoon. I don't feel too bad today and was tempted to walk down to the beach because it's so damn lovely outside. Then the thought of walking into my interview on Monday with a tan, after rescheduling it due to illness, made me lie back down. I watched Michael Ian Black take every last chip from Norm MacDonald in a game of Texas Hold'em. I learned about Bette Midler's tragic childhood. I now know how to grill a steak without the use of a thermometer. I never knew one could learn so much about life and how to live it by staying home on a Saturday. I'm almost bored enough to start cleaning.

3:39 PM  

Can you tell me who is President?

I thought it was Thursday, but it seems to be Friday. Aside from Wednesday, I've been sleeping approximately twenty hours per day. Without fail, I wake up in a cold sweat every afternoon around 4:30 P.M. I'm so tired and feel so weak- I fall asleep before I can even set the timer on the TV- that I wake up to whatever TV show might be allowed to air. I have TiVo set to record the Ellen Degeneres show, daily, at 3:00 P.M. and nothing set afterwards, which means the TV will stay on the same channel. I might have slept for another two hours, but by 4:30 P.M. I am ripped from my sleep. And all because Dr. Phil is on TV. I can't describe the horror of waking up to his voice almost every day this week. I am able to sleep through everything else, but this man's voice is like a knife in my side. There is something about him that I hate more than skim milk.

I have been having the most vivid dreams lately. As all I've been doing for five days is sleeping, I can't remember what really happened and what was a dream. Did I really have a conversation about vitamin B? I do remember going to a house warming party on Saturday night. The party that seems to be ground zero for my illness. I was diagnosed with bronchitis on Friday, but didn't think it would be a big deal to wait on the meds until Sunday. I had already waited more than a week to get diagnosed, so what was two more days? Maybe it was the diving into the pool around midnight. Fully clothed. Maybe it was due to my sitting outside on the patio, soaking wet, until being tossed back into the pool. Again, fully clothed. Maybe that's what did me in. I've been sober since that night, but I've never felt more looped. It's like I'm on Brian Kinney's Babylon party mix twenty-four hours a day. Drug addicts have to be a lot tougher than I imagined.

I had to go into the office on Wednesday. We were conducting round two of interviews for a position at my location. I couldn't get out of it, because I had to make the final decision with the owner. I woke up coughing and couldn't breathe, so I decided to take a half-teaspoon of the smelly death serum. It was either that or die on my drive into the office. I was so out of it during the interviews that I almost fell asleep. I was asked a simple question and drew a blank. It was like I had forgotten how to make the crabbie patties. My boss saved me and answered, letting them know that I wasn't usually like this. No? Anyhow, I got out of there as soon as the interviews were done. I was useless. I got home and slept for fourteen hours. Thank God they don't show Dr. Phil re-runs at night.

5:58 PM  

If I could only breathe.

Breathe in. Breathe out. This has become my mantra. It's all I can do to push the air out of my lungs before I start coughing. Isn't that attractive? I was diagnosed with bronchitis and have been put on antibiotics and some sort of death serum called TUSSIONEX EXT-REL SUS CELL. It is extremely thick, yellow and smelly. After you ingest just one tablespoon you will sleep for twelve hours. You can't control it. You just pass out and sleep; no matter what you were doing or what you wanted to get done. The upside to this is that you are able to breathe. Well, I'm assuming, because I'm still alive. Without the medication it was all I could do to sleep for an hour at a time without waking up coughing. The cough is so bad that it has started to wake up my neighbors, as well. They are all fans of the smelly, yellow, death serum.

I decided to check my E-mail tonight, as I missed work today. (This was the first time I've called in sick for over four years.) I received an E-mail from a prospective employer asking to meet with me tomorrow for a second interview. Tomorrow! The E-mail was sent today and they want to meet tomorrow! This means that I can't take the death serum or I will sleep through the meeting. If I can even stay awake long enough to drive there. Without it I will be awake. Awake, in pain and coughing. Who wouldn't want to work with me? I now have to weigh the options. If I inform them of my illness and try to reschedule, is that like calling in sick to an interview? If I go to the interview and am completely out of it, due to medication, will they think I'm retarded and pass? D'oh.

8:23 PM